drunken mess?

went out in southampton on saturday night.
ended up complaining about life.
drugss and weed and mdma.
which i havent done in a while.
and ohh. ended up in my with some guy from work...although he couldnt get it up.

not really sure where we stand now. but...off to work so i am sure i will find out!
lets hope he can keep a secret!

over and out,
laterzzzzzzz

Summer

It's finally summer. I decided not to go to amezzz, for practical reasons (money etc.) and the fact that summer is about festivals and gettting absolutely fuckkked with my friends in b'town.
saw westlife.
being healthy / trying to lose weight. 8 stone is the aim...13lbs to go!
but i will get there eventually innit.

tomozza i plan to get completely wasted.
although i feel i may have to look after lauren and foxy which sucks. but we plan on going to a casino which should be sweeeeeeeet. im looking forward to dressing up because i have been slumming it in shorts and my westlife jumper (i in mourning) for the past few weeks.

I WANT TO SEE WESTLIFE IN CROKE PARK BUT NO-ONE WILL COME WITH ME!
kdfsgflhv

laterzzzzzz.

im revamping my room aswell.
putting motivational and happy stuff on the wall so i dont lose myself this year, cause earlier in the year i hit a pretty dark place.
dont wanna go back there again.

it's easter

and i have been home for a few days so far. i hated easter lunch, everyone was all like not bothered about me. and now im home alone until sunday, when i will head back to winch for work...and just stay there.

the only part of this week i have enjoyed is hanging out with everyone. we always have such a good time when we come back home; and i love it! i love my friends in basingstoke, they are the best and to be honest, this town is nothing without them!

Today the one thing that put a smile on my face was a spontaneous trip to Southampton to get pizza. Now I regret that. I feel fat and ugly. I'm going for a long run in the rain; and then I guess I had better finish my assignment due in tomorrow.

Unhappiness

For some reason, lately, i have been struggling to find a reason to smile. I am letting bad thoughts run through my head, breaking down in tears, missing Chris. He is really the only person (bar hannah) who i have ever opened up to about my life before; and im really struggling knowing that i can't turn to him for a hug or a chat at whatever time of day. Yes i know we we horrible as boyfriend and girlfriend now, but when we first ended, he made it clear he would still do anything for me - but lately this has changed; and i'm not coping so well. I need someone to just talk to sometimes and i really don't know who that can or is going to be...

Guess to be fair; thats what this blog is for, to vent my emotions when no-one is there, and i imagine i will be relying on it a whole lot more now.

I can't put my finger on why, but every smile i make is forced, and every morning i just want to wake up and go back to bed and not face the day. My university work has taken a backseat in life and i just dont care about it anymore. I just want a change of scenery, a change of place. I want to get far away where i can not face the day or anyone i know.... bring on summer?

I guess this week the phrase "i'm fine" is about to be over-used to the maximum.

Lifeeee

So...i guess everything has been a bit hectic really. Me and Chris are deffo over. I've got a job in america for summer! Bring on MA and Cape Cod! Mannn i really wanna get a tan (:

Been to bourneymouth today and yesterday, so nice just hanging with han on the beach not giving a fuck about my essays and work and shizzleee...but now it's back to reality i guess, and i hate that.

I also hate that i am single, i know i shouldnt rely on someone else to make me happy, but in all honesty, i miss the company and having someone to hug and night and talk to about everything.

There is so much shit in my life that no-one wants to know, and i can just ramble to a boyfriend because it's someone i can open up to and be vulnerable with. I guess i just miss it all y'know, that feeling you get...

ohh well.

And one tree hill is nearly over...not sure how im going to cope with everything, just feel like everything and everyone i used to rely on for happiness is disappearing all at once.

Science Museum

Today me and debs went to the science museum (:

This was a fun outing. We had planned a trip to the new forest, but it rained and then later on snowed, so we postponed that and went to the science museum instead!

It was fun. I got to feel like a child again, and for a few hours forget about the adult world that I now live in.

But, im worried about her - she has been thinking about self harm; and I don't know what to suggest.

I like that she is open about it, but i honestly don't know what to say. It's hard without knowing what is making her so upset. It must be hard to put on this happy, brave face everyday (i should know, brief period of self harm in year 9&10 when my parents split up etccc. but i knew the problem, and that it would take time, but debs claims to not know the reason...)

really don't know how to deal with this, i suggested counselling but didnt get text back...and i find these things so awkward to talk about aswell.

Just gonna make sure she know's im here for her innit...

Hannah has court thursday..mann so many people in my life with issue right now. But in a way that helps me take my mind of the possibility that i do actually love chris, but will loose him, because of what i plan to do with my summer...ahh well!

Crackin' on and working through maa to-do list, so much uni work atm :(

my shoes should arrive soon, which will make me happy! - will post a picture, pure awesomeness.

My life currently is not good- literally dont know what to do. I hardly eat anymore; and i run every day. I look in the mirror and i just see fat, like everywhere. But everyone's has more important things to deal with right now. Imma just stay to eating cereal, banana and bagel and see if that helps (hopefully it will) and imma buy loadss of fruit from sainssb' tomozza before hitting porthouse with jodie (:

nighttt