drunken mess?

went out in southampton on saturday night.
ended up complaining about life.
drugss and weed and mdma.
which i havent done in a while.
and ohh. ended up in my with some guy from work...although he couldnt get it up.

not really sure where we stand now. but...off to work so i am sure i will find out!
lets hope he can keep a secret!

over and out,
laterzzzzzzz

Summer

It's finally summer. I decided not to go to amezzz, for practical reasons (money etc.) and the fact that summer is about festivals and gettting absolutely fuckkked with my friends in b'town.
saw westlife.
being healthy / trying to lose weight. 8 stone is the aim...13lbs to go!
but i will get there eventually innit.

tomozza i plan to get completely wasted.
although i feel i may have to look after lauren and foxy which sucks. but we plan on going to a casino which should be sweeeeeeeet. im looking forward to dressing up because i have been slumming it in shorts and my westlife jumper (i in mourning) for the past few weeks.

I WANT TO SEE WESTLIFE IN CROKE PARK BUT NO-ONE WILL COME WITH ME!
kdfsgflhv

laterzzzzzz.

im revamping my room aswell.
putting motivational and happy stuff on the wall so i dont lose myself this year, cause earlier in the year i hit a pretty dark place.
dont wanna go back there again.

it's easter

and i have been home for a few days so far. i hated easter lunch, everyone was all like not bothered about me. and now im home alone until sunday, when i will head back to winch for work...and just stay there.

the only part of this week i have enjoyed is hanging out with everyone. we always have such a good time when we come back home; and i love it! i love my friends in basingstoke, they are the best and to be honest, this town is nothing without them!

Today the one thing that put a smile on my face was a spontaneous trip to Southampton to get pizza. Now I regret that. I feel fat and ugly. I'm going for a long run in the rain; and then I guess I had better finish my assignment due in tomorrow.

Unhappiness

For some reason, lately, i have been struggling to find a reason to smile. I am letting bad thoughts run through my head, breaking down in tears, missing Chris. He is really the only person (bar hannah) who i have ever opened up to about my life before; and im really struggling knowing that i can't turn to him for a hug or a chat at whatever time of day. Yes i know we we horrible as boyfriend and girlfriend now, but when we first ended, he made it clear he would still do anything for me - but lately this has changed; and i'm not coping so well. I need someone to just talk to sometimes and i really don't know who that can or is going to be...

Guess to be fair; thats what this blog is for, to vent my emotions when no-one is there, and i imagine i will be relying on it a whole lot more now.

I can't put my finger on why, but every smile i make is forced, and every morning i just want to wake up and go back to bed and not face the day. My university work has taken a backseat in life and i just dont care about it anymore. I just want a change of scenery, a change of place. I want to get far away where i can not face the day or anyone i know.... bring on summer?

I guess this week the phrase "i'm fine" is about to be over-used to the maximum.

Lifeeee

So...i guess everything has been a bit hectic really. Me and Chris are deffo over. I've got a job in america for summer! Bring on MA and Cape Cod! Mannn i really wanna get a tan (:

Been to bourneymouth today and yesterday, so nice just hanging with han on the beach not giving a fuck about my essays and work and shizzleee...but now it's back to reality i guess, and i hate that.

I also hate that i am single, i know i shouldnt rely on someone else to make me happy, but in all honesty, i miss the company and having someone to hug and night and talk to about everything.

There is so much shit in my life that no-one wants to know, and i can just ramble to a boyfriend because it's someone i can open up to and be vulnerable with. I guess i just miss it all y'know, that feeling you get...

ohh well.

And one tree hill is nearly over...not sure how im going to cope with everything, just feel like everything and everyone i used to rely on for happiness is disappearing all at once.

Science Museum

Today me and debs went to the science museum (:

This was a fun outing. We had planned a trip to the new forest, but it rained and then later on snowed, so we postponed that and went to the science museum instead!

It was fun. I got to feel like a child again, and for a few hours forget about the adult world that I now live in.

But, im worried about her - she has been thinking about self harm; and I don't know what to suggest.

I like that she is open about it, but i honestly don't know what to say. It's hard without knowing what is making her so upset. It must be hard to put on this happy, brave face everyday (i should know, brief period of self harm in year 9&10 when my parents split up etccc. but i knew the problem, and that it would take time, but debs claims to not know the reason...)

really don't know how to deal with this, i suggested counselling but didnt get text back...and i find these things so awkward to talk about aswell.

Just gonna make sure she know's im here for her innit...

Hannah has court thursday..mann so many people in my life with issue right now. But in a way that helps me take my mind of the possibility that i do actually love chris, but will loose him, because of what i plan to do with my summer...ahh well!

Crackin' on and working through maa to-do list, so much uni work atm :(

my shoes should arrive soon, which will make me happy! - will post a picture, pure awesomeness.

My life currently is not good- literally dont know what to do. I hardly eat anymore; and i run every day. I look in the mirror and i just see fat, like everywhere. But everyone's has more important things to deal with right now. Imma just stay to eating cereal, banana and bagel and see if that helps (hopefully it will) and imma buy loadss of fruit from sainssb' tomozza before hitting porthouse with jodie (:

nighttt

In such a good mood about life right now- finished science fiction essay, working on my presentation, and generally good mood because I have realised I get to fuck off from this world and go to amezz in the summer. I want to get away from my mum, she only wants me for money and to get dirt on hannah's life (who by the way has to go to court on thursday) and i'm just gonna ignore her- dont have to see her for a month now! and i just wannna do my work, go to work and fuckk everything else. Life is for having fun, and i just might do that! (:

Ohhh and chris called me pretty earlier...

• Have fun in life--smile and think of how lucky you are every day. Do not lose myself to the world, when I forget who I am and where I want to be in life, go to tumblr.

this was one of my objectives for the year of 2012; i lost sight for a while, but now im backkk babyyyyy

Teenage Drama.

So this evening there has been a lot of drama. I guess in many ways i cause it - although unintentionally. we went for dinner and jodie was quieter than usual, so once we parted ways i called jodie to see if she was alright. turns out she was in a mood because debs seemed off with her. she texted debs, and got me involved...and it's just fucking teenage drama about shit.

cannot handle such things.

cannot handle people who need this drama in their life.

just stop it. if you out this much effort into something else, you would be good at something

p.s still havent ordered my shoes.

but i want them

and ive got the money...

mann i wish i wasnt so tight.

I can safely say that last night and today are the most painful hours of my life so far. Hannah is missing, car is found crashed, possibly prison sentence.

I want to talk to Chris, but he told me not to bother him.

I have work 3 hours and I really don't want to go- there are more important things in life right now.

HE FUCKED ME AND LEFT ME.

END OF.

AND IM LEFT HERE CRYING; HATING MYSELF; HATING LIFE.

this is what i believe so i dont know what im doing with chris; ex chris, chris i often cant stand. but i want someone to be there for me, to hug me, to take me out and sleep next to me, even if he is going to cheat...surely a cheater is better than no-one..right?

mannn my head is so fucked right now.

i murder joy.

apparently i suck the life out of everything. awesome. absolutely awesome. ohh, and i am back with chris. but he is flirting with some girl over facebook. they went to the cinema. they might as well just shove my face in it and cheat on me. i seriously hate me life today; i just want to curl up in a ball and never resurface. and tonight was just as rubbish- jodie drama as usual.

i just want to leave.

i want to not be dependent on chris, i want to not want to check his facebook for signs of cheating with that girl.

i want to be happy and not ruin every fun occasion.

butttt

what can i do? just leave and go to america? ... well that is what summer is for hopefully.

just scrolled down- my life is deffoo not back on track.

i need to get drunk and spend money i dont have on shoes i dont need to make me feel better.

i have hit an all time low, crying over the boy i didnt want. who treated me well-- and who has found someone better.

what is my life?

do i like this song for a reason? who is it about...i literally do not know! hate my lifeee

back on track?

I deffo feel like i am getting my life back on track...well it's on it's way anywayzzz (:

Been for a run yesterday and today (despite the weather) and that is a good start to uni life. Brought some healthy-ish meals...well they aren't burgers and shit, so it's a start-and i managed to shop, with some help from debs. my uni room is all set up now which is cool and the housemates seem fairly nice, although i dont know them that well yet.

Just about to go to my first lesson at uni which is american science fiction. cant say i am to happy about this module, but i've looked at the guide and i can get into it i think. done some background reading and what not so that's all good.

laterzzzzzzzz (:

p.s postman just came and i got 3/5 books that i have to read this term! In for a nice evening (: and wednesday we are gonna hit up the edge with jodss and her lgbt club innit, gonna try get some free drinks by looking fairly gayyy in my blue shirt buttoned up to the top and maa red jeans (:

muddled up.

literally just read back through my new years aims and realised i havent started any. literally haven't done anything new this week, im not going for runs and im not doing sit-ups or learning Spanish. But tomorrow i move to winchester for university and all this will start on thr 15th of January. So what if im two weeks late? University and summer is my motivation and i will get the body and the lifestyle i want.

ohhh and btw, Elliot blew me off today for 'friends' so I'm seeing Chris....how fucked up is my life?!

hatehatehatehatehate myself for it.

but cannot stop myself.

KIGH

Currently in love with this song. Pretty much sums up my life right about now.

New Activity Number One

So, as I stated last week this year I wanted to do something new every week, to get a new experience and a new outlook on life. My first new thing of the year is really a step towards growing up in life, and I know when I say what I have done y'all gonna be like 'is that it?' but to me, it is a step towards becoming an independent person, doing things for myself without having to ask for help from anyone. I put a desk together, screws and all, all by myself. My mum told me to wait until Mark had got home, but I thought NO. Why should I have to wait until a man gets home to do it? Follow the instructions and I should be perfectly capable, and guess what...I am! And this gives me hope for my life, that I don't and won't need a man around the house until I am ready to have on in my life. I have achieved something this week, and I am proud of myself. Picture to come: Will be edited in as soon as I have found my camera to take a picture (:

WRESTLE WITH THE QUESTIONS IN YOUR HEAD.

It's January the 3rd, and so far my 'resolutions' or aims for 2012 have taken a turn for the worse--well some of them anyway.

My heart is in more of a mess than ever. Yesterday I hung out with Chris, and it was really nice. He texts me in the morning, and he asks about my day. When you compare the two, Chris is by far the more thoughtful and caring. Elliot know he has 'neglected me' as he put it, but hasn't done anything to change this.

jsbabfbafabjkb

Currently hate my predicament. Why do I need to be needed? Why can't I just say FUCK OFF to both of them and enjoy the single life for a while? I mean im hopefully going to America in a few months again, then I plan to travel after university, is there any point being in a relationship? But when you find happiness somewhere, you just gotta grab it with both hands, regardless of the future...

Today I am going to sort this out.

I did 83 situps this morning.

I bought sheets for my room.

The new thing I am doing this week is going shopping to Westfields with Hannah and Ray tomozaa, will blog after (:

mannnnnnn i just want an easy fuckin' life.

but as kigh say 'the best is yet to come'

2012

I'm not usually one for making resolutions for the new year, usually I think that if you want to change, the just go ahead and do it. Why should you wait for the start of the year to do this? Every day is a new beginning and a chance to change yourself and the world, so go ahead and do it.

However, this year I have decided not to create resolutions as such, but a list of things I want to do in 2012 and then next year, I can look back at this post and see how much I achieved--and see whether the year panned out how I wanted it to.

Things to do in 2012

• Spend my 21st birthday in Las Vegas.
• Spend my summer doing something productive (camp america.)
• Move up in the place of work, try and become supervisor--robert dyas or elsewhere.
• Do one new thing every week and blog about it.
• Go for a run three or four times a week and become physically fit (and under 9 stone.)
• Do 100 sit ups a night and get a toned stomach.
• Say yes to everything; work and essay's are not an excuse, just do them later on.
• Sort my heart out and stop lying to myself.
• Make progress towards my WWF internship.
• Learn Spanish.
• See the Olympic torch go through Basingstoke.
• Have fun in life--smile and think of how lucky you are every day. Do not lose myself to the world, when I forget who I am and where I want to be in life, go to tumblr.

"Do the thing you love more than anything in life, you might become unpredictable, sometimes cranky, but you will be happier than you ever imagined possible"

I think that will be the 2012 motto; and I think this will be a good year.