post-christmas rant

It's been a while, and to be honest, not that much has happened. I saw panda's at San Diego zoo, I came home, Christmas came and went and I stayed confused about life.

Going back to Chris would be so easy, easy life, easy travelling too, and he is good to me--I know that. But it's boring, and I know it would be. It would be a mistake to go back, but he texts like he used to and it makes me miss that. I like having a second home, and a good man by my side. And then there is Elliot, perhaps everything Chris is not--easy on the eye for starters. Apart from when his top comes off, the hair and the weird skin is visible and I don't like it. But I have wanted him for as long as I can remember--it's a shame this dream just isn't how I wanted it to be. The personality is sweet, and he is loving and better in bed, there is no doubt about that, but for some reason I'm forcing myself to go over for a few days later and I don't know why, I should want to go, but Chris is in the back of my mind.

I'm not going to marry Chris, and probably not Elliot, maybe I should just enjoy the single life for a while?

SAN DEIGO

Yesterday we arrived at the Hostel which will be out home for the next few days, in none other than San Diego. I am looking forward to tomorrow because i will be fulfilling a life long dream of seeing the Giant Panda's in San Diego Zoo. However; we are currently sat in the hostel, attempting to figure out the finances for the trip- and who owes who money. It is very confusing, even Pete cannot figure it out.

San Diego is awesome, i could live here, and will one day. It's sunny-ish, there are lots of clubs and bars which is awesome, and i will be able to see Panda's whenever i want (:

yeahhh i think i could live here, and hopefully will.

Going to hooters tonight, which will be an experience none the less! And saw a dog parade today where all the dogs where dressed up! However i cant decide if this is animal cruelty or really, really cute. Pretty knackered to be honest with you--but i am so excited for life right now it is hard to focus on the tiredness i am feeling.

Anyway, next post will be full of panda's and my life will probably be complete!

proud of myself

Swallowed my pride and emailed both professors- i have nothing to lose, i will never see these people again!

And at least now i can sleep easy knowing i have dealt with the situations the best i can. I will now never check my SOU email again, because everyone know's the situation and what to look for! If there is a problem, imagine it can be sorted without my help.

pissed at myself

Today i have sucessfully fucked up my sociology exam, and put my 15 page paper in the wrong pile. The pile thing, i hope will get recognized, the exam thing--well i am fucked. Everyone is now hanging out, i however am in my room reflecting on the day and what my actions; and pondering how to sort things out. I could email my comm professor, but i don't want to seem pushy. Likewise, i could email my sociology professor and tell him i really struggled and hope it takes this into consideration. what i am actually going to do is probably none of this, i will just sit and watch gossip girl on my own and wait for elliot to email me back because that might make me feel better.

Tomorrow i will finish my 9 tribes paper and wait for tuesday night to roll around so i can find out my grades in the class- hoping i didn't fail and that my professsor found my paper.

it's dead week...

which means exams are next week. I have so much to do, yet for some reason i cannot be bothered. All i want is to be on the way to San Diego without worrying about work and exams. I got my conformation for my Camp America interview, and that just means even more to worry about what with finding references etc but, that i can do, because it is gonna be hellla fun this summer of i get to go!

Just about to get my pj's on, read about some globalization and modernity then have my weekly dose of HIMYM because last week we discovered robin was preggerzzz!

So as Barney says, this weekends challenge of working and revising is accepted!

This Song.

drifting

I have been avoiding hanging out with debs and tyler when they are together because for some reason i find it really uncomfortable to be around them. I think it's because i don't see the point in 'flings' and this is essentially a two week fling. It annoys me to see people messing around, kissing and being in a relationship isn't something to be fucking around with--you should be together and be in a relationship or not at all. I guess this opinion comes from the break up of my parents, which i believe was down to my mum having a 'fling', from them on i just hate the idea of it. I have been trying not to make my feelings to clear, but i guess it was obvious today when i said i would go to the gym and not hang out. I didn't hang out, and im sure debs is pissed because of this, she thinks we are 'drifting' but we are not. I still like both of them, i just can't be around that, but of course, they don't know why. At thanksgiving it was awkward, but i thought it would improve because maybe i was just jealous, but it hasn't and im not jealous.

sometimes, i hate my beliefs.

reflection on thanksgiving

thanksgiving was wonderful, the families that put us up were amazing--and so friendly and most importantly cooked amazing food! This picture symbolizes the trip for me, it brought us three closer together and those brownies were SOOO good!

The trip had a downer on it, with meggga awkwardness by debs and tyler getting together-ish, but oh well, if people want to mess around with hearts and feelings go ahead, who am i to stop you.

I am distancing myself from the two of them, simply because of the awkward feelings that are created. I find it hard to talk to them when they are together. One their own, that is fine but as a couple (who i know have no commitment) it is hard.

Now for a stressful week of work before finals! And then a quick trip to San Diego and then home to the boyfff, family and the friends and christmas! Honestly, i can't wait (:

thanksgiving

This thursday is thanksgiving, and for some reason i am not looking forward to it. I would much rather just stay in the dorms. I know this is anti-social, but heyy-ho. I just don't currently have the energy to be happy around debs 24/7, and it's not just debs now, it's jodie too. I feel like i have to step out of myself and become this constantly enthusiastic and energetic person that i don't want to be.

Anyway, we are going to Portland and Seattle, which will be a good life experience i guess, i just cbaaa with it all. I'm tired, and missing home and i just want to spend days in front of the television watching eastenders.

ohh well...i guess i will just have to deal with it. At least i have found this new gem of a song that should keep me going

emmigrant lake

Today was nice, i enjoyed the mid-afternoon adventure to emmigrant lake. It was nice just to sit and look out over the lake and think about how these last few months have really changed who i am. I appreciate things a lot more now, and i have a new love for the outdoors. Ashland, you will be missed.

ice skating

Today we have been ice-skating and it made me wish i had never given up the sport, it is soooo much fun! Pete didnt enjoy himself, but the rest of us did. I was still able to skate slowly backwards, and kinda do an axel (spin) but it annoys me when i think about what i used to be able to do. I am going to go more often to make sure i don't lose the skill, and because it is a good way to exercise. I have made my to-do list for tomorrow, and i will get it done because sometimes, grades are more important than hanging out.

Starting to worry about housing for next year, i know i don't have anyone to share a house with and i'm going to have to go into a house where i don't know people. I would love to share with debs, and some other people because i realised today that she is a really good friend, even if she doesn't feel the same.

Goodnight all!

happy feet two

Just been to see Happy Feet Two and it's the best film! So uplifting and happy, and it has p!nk in it aswell! Me and debs loved it, so funny and inspiring

"where there is a want there is a will, where there is a will, there is a way"

Not only that, but today it snowed for the first time since we have been here in Ashland, and it was fun to sit and walk around with the snow falling (:

listening to this song is the perfect end to the day.

rock climbing

Today we have been rock climbing; and that was fun.

If we were in Ashland longer i think i would take it up as a hobby because it helps with overall fitness, and i like that.

Jodie took me aside and told me she didn't like my sarcasm and that i offended her, so i guess i will try and be less hurtful from now on.

I had another unproductive day work wise, but i have a three day weekend to sort that out. I am going to try and eat healthy and exercise daily.

I think what i need to take from today is that you can always reach the top; i didn't think i would at rock climbing, but i did. And i think that is an important lesson to take forward in life (:

procrastination

I had lots planned for today, i had a to do list and i accomplished 1 thing; and that was in the morning.

I went to the library to do work with debs, and didn't get a lot done. I think it's because i have to much time on my hands, that i think "i can just do it tomorrow" and i need to stop that.

I kinda get the feeling debs was talking about me to dave today, because in the library she turned the computer screen around, which i don't mind, but if you have something to say just say it to my face y'know. Another reason why my friendship only appears temporary.

Me and Jodie planned a January shopping trip to Bluewater and Lakeside, which would be awesome.

Mumford have kept me going today, i keep re-watching the video of them live at reading and wishing i was back there-- without a care in the world for three days, listening to live music which is what i love.

Tomorrow is thirsty thursday, but i am scared to get drunk after last time. I don't want to give debs any more reason to make me a temporary friend, because despite her irritating habits, i do think we could stay friends in the future.

I feel like i am not my own person anymore; and i need to be. Being at SOU has made me realise i spent way to much time attached to the ex boyfriend last year, and i dont know why because i knew it wasnt what i wanted. I have no friends at winchester because of that, instead i just have acquaintances. It would be nice if i stayed friends with pete, jodie and debs, but in reality, they have friends at university which i don't. But at least i have got to experience some sort of social life here which has been nice. I know i am in effect a temporaary friend for them, but i will take that. I guess im just longing for that sense of university friends and home friends which all my 'home' friends talk about. I want to stay friends with everyone, but as home time draws nearer reality is starting to kick in.

Day one of the new blog (:

And all i have to say about today is this:

By the end of this year i am going to figure myself out.

I want to decide what i am going to do with my life, and how i am going to get there.

But for now, i will summarise my day with a picture.